First of all, I want to thank every person who sent an e-mail, called, left a comment, or even thought nice thoughts for us as we went through this last week.  It was a tough week for all of us and now I begin the process of these pregnancy hormones leaving my body, and sending me through a rollercoaster of emotions along with them.

When Sean and I moved to Vancouver August 2005 and we decided to try to have a baby, I was cautious, because I was 35 and had never gotten pregnant, so I didn't even know if I could get pregnant.  After two cycles of trying we were amazed that we were pregnant and told everyone by the time I was 6 weeks along.

It's scary, that first pregnancy.  You don't know.  You don't know how your body will handle a pregnancy - the symptoms and morning sickness and the sadly high chance of miscarrying.  You spend the whole pregnancy in a whirl of thoughts about not only being pregnant but OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO BE A MOM.  When you grow up your Mom is your Mom and she was the perfect Mom that knew how to be a Mom.  There's never any doubt that your Mom knows all the Momness required in Motherhood and you question how she just… knew this.  On top of this, every book and pamphlet lists all of these horrible things that can go wrong and on top of that you fear EVERY DAY that you could lose the baby.  You fear the labor and delivery, and you wonder if you are actually going to be lucky enough to have a perfectly healthy baby.  SO many questions and doubts and long multi-syllabic lists of problems that can occur, warning signs to look for, etc.

But then it happens - you have a perfectly healthy baby.  And you become A MOM.  And… it just… works.
The second pregnancy is so different.  When I found out I was pregnant I had a shopping list in my head - healthy groceries, snacks for work, ingredients needed to make my power smoothies… and not much else.  No concern, no questions, no crazy I'M GOING TO BE A MOM emotions, only this matter-of-fact confidence of "here we go again."  And that matter-of-factness lasted until I was 8 weeks along and started bleeding on Sunday morning.  It was pink, but it still alarmed me.  I didn't have any bleeding with my first pregnancy and it put me on edge, to say the least.  I went to the clinic that afternoon and spoke to a doctor that I had never seen before.  When he asked why I was there I said "I want you to tell me that it's okay that I'm bleeding even though I'm eight weeks pregnant" and started choking up before I could finish my sentence.  He told me that statistics show that 50% of pregnancies with bleeding in the first trimester end in miscarriage.  That didn't help me.  He told me to go home and rest and wait and see what happens.  There wasn't anything I could do about it.

Monday morning there was still bleeding, and it was starting to look like a regular period.  I called my midwife and she got me an emergency ultrasound scheduled at the hospital right away.  Tomoka put Ever in the car wearing her pajamas and shoes and a winter coat and I took off for the hospital.

When I was about to get the ultrasound the doctor told me to go pee, and Ever and I went into the bathroom together and there was A LOT of blood.  When I came out I told the doctor "That was BAD" and she very matter-of-factly said "Okay, well let's have a look then."

Once I was set up for the ultrasound I asked the doctor what we're looking for.  She said "An eight-week old baby - a head, arms, legs - it'll look like a baby."  At this time Ever was having a blast handing me sheets from the corner of the room and had a huge smile on her face.  She was the cutest baby in the world at that moment.

And then the doctor zoomed in on a dot.  I said "What's that?" and she replied "That's a yolk sac - it looks like it stopped developing at 5 weeks."  And Ever was handing me torn pieces of Kleenex and she was thrilled with this activity.  And that was it.  She told me to get dressed and we would discuss options.

Once dressed, I called Sean, who knew I was at the hospital, and told him we lost the baby.  And Ever was climbing around the desk and handing me paperclips, smiling.

There was a procedure offered, and I declined.  She told me to take Tylenol and Advil combined, and if it hadn't passed in a week on it's own, I should come in for the procedure.  By the time we got home Sean was already there waiting for me.  The three of us took a long afternoon nap, and then we had many phone calls to make.

I had cramping and bleeding over the next couple days, but nothing compared to what I was told could happen.  I decided to make an appointment for the procedure on Thursday because so many people told me that you often had to get it done anyway, to make sure there's no infection or hemorrhaging, and I figured, why wait?

My work was awesome during all of this.  My office manager Caroline told everyone what happened in person instead of sending out a yucky e-mail.  When I returned to work I had a bouquet of flowers waiting for me.  They were prepared for me to leave at any time if needed.  I had only been at my job for just over two months, and I'm so thankful I told them about my pregnancy.

Thursday morning, just before the procedure, they decided to do an ultrasound before giving me the sedative, just in case my body took care of things on its own.  The ultrasound showed nothing.  She said that my lining was at 12 mm, and it takes 15+mm to hold a baby, so my body was already doing what it was supposed to do.  I was relieved, but a bit surprised that I hadn't noticed anything happen in the last couple days - had I gotten off that easy?

The cramps started at 5:30 pm.  By 6 pm I was in bed wrapped up on my side after taking three Tylenol and three Advil.  At 7 pm I passed the baby.  I don't know where it was for all those hours when it didn't show up on the ultrasound, but I know for a fact when it passed.  The last of it passed again at 8:45 pm and then it was over.

I want you all to understand that I'm okay.  Of course I'm sad, but I can see how a miscarriage during the first pregnancy would just be DEVASTATING because you have all of these uncertainties in your head, and I am so thankful that I didn't have those uncertainties.  I know I can get pregnant.  I know I can have a baby.  I know I am a Mom.  I AM A MOM.  I am blessed to be a Mom, and I will be a Mom to another child if I can.  I have my husband who is the one true love of my life, without a doubt, and we will survive through this just like the other 17 bazillion things we have survived through.  We are trying to get back to "normal."  We aren't dwelling on it and we are keeping a positive outlook.

Thank you, again, for your support and thoughts, etc.  The Blogosphere still amazes me.  And my friends and family are the best people I could ever ask for.  And I don't even have to ask.


We lost the baby.
I started bleeding lightly yesterday, then it progressed a bit. Today my midwife got me in to BC Women's Hospital for an ultrasound and instead of seeing an 8-week baby, we saw a 5-week baby. I am trying to let things progress naturally. If I encounter problems then I will go to the hospital to help end things.
It's tough to call so many people with news like this in one day but that's what I get for telling the world I was pregnant when I was about three seconds along. You then gotta turn around and tell everybody otherwise.

Oh and today is our anniversary - 19 years together, 13 years married. So hopefully next year will be really nice.